burned out.

I believe in signs.

2008-02-21T11:54:00.003+08:00

Do you believe in signs?

I never really thought that signs do exist, and I never bothered knowing the answer either.

Until the day came, and made me realize that it is actually possible, and if FATE’s what you call it, and then maybe this was it.

One thing was obvious and I can truly remember, I envied people around me, and I wished I can be happy again, for whatever reasons I can be happy of, let me experience it again. This was the time; I prayed and asked for happiness.

It didn’t really matter much. Besides, I am happy with the life I have already, but I’ve always had sleepless nights that I wish I had the things that I’ve been wanting to have, and why is it that the things I yearn for aren’t just meant for me.

Maybe the right time just never really came to pass across me. I didn’t want to rush things. And I’ve always believed in Destiny, in Fate – that if one thing is meant to happen, then it will surely happen. And that my life has been planned before me.

My heart was sleeping for a long time. And it got broken the last time I thought it was awake. While it was broken, I’ve decided not to let anyone have it broke again.
I felt tired, my heart was.

Then he finally kept my hopes up. And I knew right away the answers to all the questions.
I’ve awakened, and in an instant I knew my heart was.

The answer was obvious right through my eyes. But I was still unsure.
And I asked myself, “Are you ready to be shattered?”

I don’t know. I never really was ready for anything. And I fear of this the most.
Falling then failing. I just don’t want to get hurt. And above this all, I don’t want to hurt you. Because soon, I know, I’ll be.

I don’t want you become a part of my past; because I can picture you and I together in the future. And mostly, I don’t want to hate you.

All inside me is fear. I fear everything that might actually happen.
In a moment, I know this could happen……..

And I’m not quite sure if I could take the risk again.
The risk of falling in love.

But no matter how fate can be unmistakable, it is even so crucial.
No matter how you say it is all in your hands, I can never control everything.

But I still have to stick with my principle.

...If he stays, then maybe he truly is the one.

Patience. Two years? Who knows? I can never predict our future. We alone can never dictate our fate.
But my hopes are big. They really are. And all these are hopes for the both of us.

And I’m hoping you are too.

Remember our pinky promise?

I won’t let you hold on to something that I know might hurt you in time.
This I mean is an assurance, that no matter how long it takes, whatever it takes, wherever you go, in one corner, you’ll always find your special place.

I’m hoping you could wait for me. Whatever and how long it’ll take.

This for us is important. And this will leave me with a lot of questions unanswered.

Hmm. .

Should I ask for another sign?

Varying Thoughts.

2007-09-11T14:20:00.000+08:00

Have been staying alone in this four-cornered room with this deadly silence and unexplainable weariness. On my way here, all i could think was having to live alone AGAIN, yet the fact it's happy that i'll be able to have some peace in my life that i've been wanting to have for a long time. It seemed like anywhere i go, problems have been hunting me which makes me question a lot of things. Sometimes i doubt why these things had to happen, and ask myself, am i this bad?Do i deserve all these?

No one would know the answer. No one would know how much pain i've been going through. Having everything hidden and kept inside of me would make you think it's nothing, but hell, who knows how hard it was for me to surpass all of these.

This was my key of my fretful anxiety. Write, write, write and be alone. Truth is: sometimes it's hard. And a lot of people would never understand. It is true that sometimes having to explainwhy you feel uncertain is harder than having people see that you're happy. At least, these people won't mind, and wont bother to care about you. Truth hurts, that is.

Last night was the worst i had. I couldn't fake a smile anymore. I felt like something was wrong that i had to speak it all up. And so I did without even me noticing it. I was awakened all of asudden. Did i just say those words? Yeah, i just did. I knew something worse was about to happen, and i couldn't take all those back.

And you can't take this away from me. I feel this terrible hatred in my heart. I shouldn't be affected this much. But everyday, it gets harder with certain people involving me.

Maybe it's true that love fades. But if it really does, does it really fade easily?

I don't really now. Right now, i'm still clueless.

Thoughts are wrestling in my head now. I worry about the future. I tend to think ahead. The unknown frightens me. And if i could only predict the future, I would make a choice now, and that choice would have to be only for the better, and the worse wouldn't matter anymore.

But there's no such thing as seeing what's ahead. You have to prepare for the Unknown. Life is a Battle. And whatever it has to offer me, i have to stand tall. Though things now are greatly changing, i have to be strong, and move on, embrace my destiny, and accept the things that i can't change.

My world has consistently changed.
I know there are still a lot i have to face.
I'm hoping that at the end of the road,
i would find peace.
and everyone else i love, would be happy.

I'm still hoping.. and i won't ever lose this.

Mixed Emotions.

2007-09-10T14:02:00.000+08:00

I'm Sad, Happy, Mad.. I don't know what to feel anymore. All i know is that i'm not liking this, whatever this is i'm feeling.. I don't know, everything seems different now. Especially, at home. and the situation i'm at. Feeling ko, I'm left with no choice, life's been cruel lately. For reasons why all this is happening, I don't understand. Sometimes, I just want to cry, let it all out, but I just don't want to, because in the end, i would still be feeling the same thing, and it sucks cause there's no way out.. And LIFE is life. Just life.

Been Hopeless since. been trying to be happy, but it had been a struggle for me. Though i try to hide all that's in me, it gets harder and harder for me. I don't know, weird... so weird. My patience's being tested. But i'm starting to question a lot of things right now..

Where did a happy family go all of a sudden?
It doesn't matter..
Who knows anyway.

This is complete struggle.

2007-08-15T18:57:00.000+08:00

I am struggling with my grades. :( Oh no, help me.:(

Been thinking.

2007-08-12T10:59:00.000+08:00

Let me quote something form Joshua Harris' book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye.

"The right thing is not the right thing when it's at the wrong time."

A wrong can never be a right.

Patience is the key. Let's do this the right way this time.

:)

Emo, no more!

2007-08-12T09:26:00.000+08:00

I'm no emo anymore. I'm over those days. I learned in the past few days how to be happy, in times, it's so hard to feel that way. It's true what they say that being happy is a choice one has to make. Life isn't perfect; but one can always make it perfect in his/her own possible way. :)

Good Morning!:D What an introduction! haha.

It's a new day! And I have been geeking (there's no such word, i know.) over Algebra since yesterday. Believe me, i mean the WHOLE DAY. Here's what i have to say na lang, WHATADAY! It has been a couple of weeks already and i still feel pressured, stressed and all. I NEED A BREAK too! But that's okay, i can wait until Finals week's done. After, i can do whatever i like! (I wish?) Before i forget, I am failing COMSKI (English). Gawsh, Solid struggle! What is going on in the world? What the hell. I am out.

What's up?

2007-06-16T16:37:00.000+08:00

Hey there! I wasn’t able to update this blog for quite a long time. Maybe because school started two weeks ago. I read all the messages and I thought that I have so many things to share to all. So far, so good naman. I’m enjoying my college life. So many changes have occurred in my life. Lately’s been really different. I miss my high school friends though. Hmm, how do I start ba? I don’t know how. Haha, basta, this week has been stressful, we had long test in Algebra, 60 item quiz in Rizal course, Quiz in Natsci, surprise quiz in History, on the spot recitation in English, and many more paper works, projects, you name it. You see, that was just our second week, yet we did a lot already! But, it was good. So far, I don’t have any failing marks. But I’m starting to hate History, I swear I do. Gawrrr. Anyway, I’m happy because I’m starting to be confident to speak up in front of many people. I’m not sooo shy anymore! Haha. So that’s what’s new about me. My block’s great! Some are quiet, some are not, some are rude, and some are nice. Hmm, actually my blockmates thought at first that I’m a snob, plastic, and rude. But swear, I’m not. Anyway, I always get that impression naman. WHEW. Fun, fun. I’ll keep this up some other time. visit my multiply! I have college pics there!

http://jahjuh.multiply.com

Bored.

2007-05-23T22:05:00.000+08:00

Got this from Burn's Multiply.=)

Two names you go by:
1. Ja
2. Jah. Haha

Two things you're wearing right now:
1. shirt
2. shorts

Two things you want in a relationship:
1. real friendship
2. Love; it defines everything.

Two of your favorite things to do:
1. I-pod
2. sleep

Two things you want at the moment:
1. Blake to win
2. new chucks. (so bad.)

Two pets you've had:
1. Lovebirds
2. Chi-chi, my cat.

Two things you did last night:
1. Read
2. I-podding LOL.

Two things you ate today:
1. Cheezy (junkie)
2. Dinner. whatever

Two people you last talked to:
1. My mommy
2. ate J-ann

Two things you're going to do tomorrow:
1. Attend an orientation at school
2. Meet new friends and blockmates

Two favorite holidays:
1. Christmas
2. Or whenever there's no class :p (I agree, Burn.:D)

Two favorite beverages:
1. COKE. yes.
2. Mango Shake

Two favorite TV shows:
1. Laguna Beach
2. One Tree Hill

Two favorite food:
1. Donuts
2. Shakes

Two of your least favorite things to do:
1. --
2. Doing nothing. (Burn:D)

THREE NAMES THAT FRIENDS CALL YOU:
-- Jaja
-- Jah
-- Janine

THREE THINGS YOU'VE DONE IN THE LAST 33 MINUTES:
-- Watched American Idol
-- Fixed some stuffs for tomorrow
-- I-net

THREE THINGS YOU'RE AFRAID OF:
-- Death
-- Losing my family
-- rats

THREE IMPORTANT THINGS IN MY LIFE:
-- family and friends
-- food
-- clothes

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS:
-- Switchfoot
-- FALL OUT BOY
-- Dashboard Confessional

THREE WAYS TO BE HAPPY: (My way!)
-- Be with my family-- being with friends
-- be contented, smile? :D

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
-- Love is (an old song)
-- Learning to Breathe (nothing beats!)
-- Satisfaction - Fall out boy

THREE THINGS YOU MISS FROM YOUR PAST:
-- My cousins who are now in the states.
-- Old classmates
-- My mdm friends

THREE GIFTS YOU WOULD LIKE TO RECEIVE:
-- Money
-- Shooooooooeesssssss/clothes etc. lots of it.
-- Dvd's (Wala lang:D)

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES:
- playing the guitar and sing
- composing
- sports, volleyball

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO FORHOLIDAY:
-- Europe
-- Virginia
-- Laguna Beach =D

THREE CARTOON CHARACTERS:
-- none
-- none
-- i can't remember.

THREE BOY'S NAMES:
-- Chris
-- Jake
-- Nathan

THREE GIRL'S NAMES:
-- Ashley
-- Antonella
-- Liz

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:-
- Finish my studies
-- Be at two places at once (Feeling Jamie:P)
-- Get married and have kids. =D (like burn's)

Am I ready for changes?

2007-05-22T22:25:00.000+08:00

I was lying down, about to sleep, listening to my i-pod. Many thoughts came into my mind again. I remembered my High School years. There were indeed a lot of good memories than those of my struggles all throughout my High School years. I recalled my First year in High School; that I had my hair really cut short. My second year; the worst year for me. Don’t ask me why. My third year; it was when I tried out for the volleyball varsity team. It was also the year I learned how to commute by myself. It was also the year we were champions in the Sports fest. It was a tough year for me because I was committed for the team as well as my academics and my Band Club. Having them all at the same time was a hard thing. I had to train almost everyday after classes and Saturday mornings too which was really EARLY. And there were months where we had to play during Sundays. Those times were so stressful, tiring (physically and mentally), and nerve-racking. It was the year I learned how to work really hard, be disciplined and know my priorities. It was really a great year for me! My fourth year was the year I learned how to be independent and got a taste of freedom. My sisters and I (just the three of us) moved out and we stayed in a condominium near our schools during school days. It really felt good to be free and independent but it comes with great responsibility. Having been trusted by our parents means they expect a lot from you, and I didn’t want to disappoint them. I had really difficult times there. I missed my other siblings and parents. Waking up in the morning was what I really hated the most. I missed my mommy because at home she was the one who always wakes me up. But there in the condo, I had to do everything all by myself. Sometimes I had to take care of the laundry because there were times we had to extend our stay there and we would run out of clothes. I learned how to cook corned beef, hotdogs, etc. using the rice cooker. I perfected cooking the rice. I learned how to swim. I met really good friends. I met a prom date (Yihee, Diony:P), I learned how to play basketball. I’ve made friends with almost everyone in school. I gained and lost friends. I learned how to be betrayed by a really close friend. This was the year I performed my very first composition in front a lot of people. It was the year of saying goodbye to my friends and school. It was also a year where I learned more about myself and realized that I am special, contented and happy.

And this coming year, I really don’t know. All these will start in less than a week. College is a lot different from high school. Co-ed school, no more uniform, teachers are professors, classmates are blockmates, projects are thesis, cell phones are allowed anywhere, no more strict policies, no more fixed schedule, FREEDOM, gimmicks, rubber slippers, big campuses, far away school, McDo/KFC/Starbucks along Taft, different types of people, smokers/drinkers/etc. (at least, I’m very much aware.), different buildings, crushes, hold-uppers, commute galore, LRT’s, lockers, new circle of friends, increased baon. ETC. ETC. etc…

I am excited at the same time really nervous. But whatever College has to offer, I’m ready. Well, I hope I really am. Good luck to me!

I've updated!

2007-05-20T20:05:00.000+08:00

Check out the pics @ my multiply site. Whew. Tournament was pretty intense. Had so much fun cheering for the Red Team! I'll be having my Frosh Orientation on Thursday. Classes start next week, May 28. Wooo. I'm excited at the same time nervous. I don't know what to expect. I'm missing my Batchmates. And someone.. Yeeee.

I'll be posting a sensible entry maybe tomorrow. Because I'm kind of lazy today. Yeeee. Who cares anyway? =)

Richness

2007-05-17T20:54:00.000+08:00

I spent the whole afternoon gimping (is there such a word?). And I came up with a banner and an icon. That's a lot, huh? Kidding.

I was really excited about this day. I watched American Idol. And guess who are going to be on the finale? BLAKE and Jordin! The results really shocked me. Melinda was awesome and consistent throughout the competition. And probably, was my bet. Of course, aside from my Chris Timberlake. Too bad.

He is bringing sexy back. WOO.

2007-05-15T23:26:00.000+08:00

I've been surfing and searching for Chris Richardson sites. And I found a forum where i can download studio versions of his songs and a lot. Weee=)

I can now officially say that I am addicted to Chris.:)

2007-05-13T23:49:00.000+08:00

I thought that it’s about time to change my layout. It’s been months since I haven’t changed the mood of my blog. So, here it is.. =)

Good bye braces, hello retainers! They’re not comfortable to wear, believe me.

Hmm, anyway.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there! Especially to my dear Mommy, Happy Mother’s Day! I love you!=)

We went at Robinsons Galleria a while ago. We had lunch there and attended mass, of course then we watched the most awaited movie of the year, Spiderman III. Wooo, so cool mehn. I loved the effects. Galing naman ng gumawa nun! I also give credit to the cameraman. Ang galing eh, dalang-dala ako. Haha;P

We had a tough week. Away dyan, away ‘don. But, thank God we’re a happy family again!:D

a miracle

2007-05-06T21:39:00.000+08:00

we almost had a car accident. we went at SM mega mall last night. we heard mass, bought some stuffs (since it's sale). We were on our way home, when suddenly i saw a tire rolling along the hi-way. before that happened, we felt something wrong with one of our tires. then there we realized it was our tire!! can you imagine?? it was terrible. it's really a blessing that none of us got hurt or anything.

i felt really numb after. we were at the middle of the road at 11pm that moment. as in middle. and my dad was really panicking. and i couldn't say a word. i was completely in shock. but we were lucky, that the policemen helped us out. we called our driver to pick us up. and the car was brought home too.

that night, i couldn't sleep. it was really mixed emotions. i was having realizations and discovered that that night was my Lolo's death anniversary. i was scared at the same time relieved. but i know that the best thing that i could do is pray, and thank Him and him for being with us always, especially when the thing happened.

i was awakened really. i had so many realizations, i knew it had a purpose.
i knew it right away. i'm like shaking right now.
it's really something that we should be thankful for.
indeed, it was miracle.

eeeek.

2007-04-24T21:30:00.000+08:00

another icon i made:D

yay. i'm afraid to say, i made that. wow, hindi na ako makaget over eh. tama na, dude:S

yay. just a month to go, and i'm up for college. from cainta to taft or qc to taft. how's that? commute galore!!! =D

lately's been weird, really. it was so, hard to sleep! ang hirap kaya. this is what i hate during summers. laging ganito, mahirap makatulog =/

yey, aalis kami bukas. =D

i wanna swim, it's so freakin hoottt,. =\

i GIMPED!

2007-04-23T20:39:00.000+08:00

yes. i'm so happy i was able to make one! hahaha:D

grabe, what a waste. i watched The Notebook knina.. hindi naman ako mahilig sa love story nyan noh? haha:D walang magawa eh.

Anyway, the usual thing, i stayed home the whole day. i texted, watch a lot of movies. i-pod, gimped, used the computer, i ate alot. Haha, senseless..

what another boring day. but at least, i learned something today.. weeeee:D :D

i miss my GH friends.. reaaaallllly. :(

enough about emoness.

2007-04-21T00:33:00.000+08:00

i'll stop writing like those kinds.

haha:) at least, i'll try to.

this is the effect of reading too much books of sparks.

summer's killing me. nothing's keeping me busy. all i do is just sleep, eat, watch tv, dvd's, go online, blog, write, read, sleep again, text, and whatever.

so i guess, it's better during school days? that's hard to say. but i've really been thinking how its like in college. i mean, college is a way far different from high school. i don't know, i just can;t help but think about those kind of things.. then i start to wonder and haha, imagine stuffs.. really weird. but i guess, that;s a good thing naman eh?

it's 1:12 am now. still, im up.

i don't have anything to say anymore. till the next entry.

i've been feeling this way, lately.

2007-04-21T00:02:00.000+08:00

i don't want to be back with my old ways..

all along, i thought finally, i was doing fine.but now, i just don't know if i still am.i accepted the fact that i was different from the others.but i wasn't that bad. but it seemed like people wanted something more in me, that i canbarely think and find out. it will always be ALL ABOUT ME. what i do, how i do, and why i do.a lot of things they couldn't understand. only I can. no one else would. i considered it the most painful part of my life, and i'm not sure if it will ever go away.it's like a scar hidden in my heart, that wont fade away. where people wouldn't ever see, but only feel if they would look deeper within me. sure, i believe i was blessed with wonderful things in life. but when moments like thishappen, it makes me hard to believe. not that i doubt, it just comes naturally, then i feel this undescribable pain.an unbearable pain, one inside that is so hard to ease. my only escape was just letting the paper absorb all the thoughts, the hurt, pain- everything. crying is another way too. it makes you forget every unpleasant thing you've felt in thatparticular moment. but as time passes, i've realized that these my so called escapes were useless. there is no such thing as escaping a problem, it won't ever go away. it will always be a problem unsolved when you don't even try to do something about it.for at least, lessen the pain.
the thing happened, which made this huge gap between us. and it was hard for me to make up.it was never easy, i tell you. it will never be. but i thought that if there was an easier way for meto do it, help me find it. then there i was able to, with hardships along the way that people wouldn't imagine.sometimes, i explain it to my friends, but none of all the words in the world would ever explain everything just right!it's better to keep them all to you, so people wouldn't notice and eventually bother to find out. but it wasn't just right.the same experiences will haunt you back, and will slowly kill you. like what it is doing to me right now.
but who is there to talk to?

..all else now is a mess.it seemed like there is just no other way..

i'm back, again :P

2007-04-20T23:11:00.000+08:00

im blogging again. besides, there's really nothing to do this summer.
haha:D shet. welcome to boredom once again, jah;D

life or death?

2007-02-10T14:45:00.000+08:00

i just got home. i took the dls-csb entrance exam. hmm, i wish i pass the test. i really need to. it's a matter of life and death. life, if i pass. death, if i don't. :( wahhh.:(( major struggle!=X the exam was okay. it was not that hard. not that easy. i hated MATH. i loved ENGLISH:) simple english lang naman kasi. well, i took some time rin answering some algebra problems. very time consuming, i hope i answered those right. or should i say, guessed those problems right. haha. lucky :)) anyway, because of the exam, i wasn't able to attend training. i wonder how it went. training yesterday was sooooo lame. really lame. because we were lame, we were told to do this and that. exhausting. anyhooo. i want to greet a very special person close to me who will be celebrating her 18th birthday later at marina bar, greenhills, SHEILA ALBERTO:) happy 18th! may you have a good one! i'll play later at her debut. wish me good luck:)

i saw this one inside the cubicle (you know what i'm doing:)) in the C.R. during break a while ago:
you know what sucks? it's when you've found to love the person and that's when he decides to walk away.

one replied, it says: life is about moving on. you have to move on.:)) HAHA.:))

whatever is Your will, let it be done.

Seniors Dance:)

2007-02-05T15:44:00.000+08:00

wahaw.:) haha, okay. we were late. hehe. ang saya. hehe:)

gulat kami. awarding na, last award is prom king and queen. sasabihin na yung mga nominees for the award.

first name called? Janine David and partner. LOL.

napansin pa. haha:))

but we didn't win. at least nominated hahaha:))

after the awardings, dance na:) hindi naman ako mahilig sa ganun. lumabas na lang kami ni kuya diob. haha. tapos biglang nagsalita si sister, MAY SLOW DANCE DAW. for the first time! haha.

we slow danced. yikeee. haha

diony and jaja

thanks kuya Diony. :))

:))

it's not fun anymore.

2007-02-03T10:03:00.000+08:00

ayoko na mag-dance. :(( for a lot of reasons i just can't tell. bleh:P i woke up early today. something unusual. well, we have no training today. so there's no reason to wake up so early. i was so tired yesterday. we trained, and ended at 6:30pm. so there. i reached home really exhausted. as what happens everyday. thank God, it was a Friday. i love Friday. wooo

my sisters and i watched The Devil Wears Prada last night. (pirata lang:)) haha. muntik pang makatulog.: but it was okay, may moral lesson. hehe corny

AYOKO MAG-DANCE MAMAYA!!!!!!

:)

2007-02-02T11:51:00.000+08:00

computer time now. nakakasawa rin pala. haha:))

romeo and juliet.

2007-02-01T22:02:00.000+08:00

-william shakespeare

Did my heart love till now?
Forswear it, sight!
For I ne'er saw true beautytill this night!
Parting is such sweet sorrow,
that I shall saw goodnight,till it be morrow!
But soft! What light throughyonder window breaks?
It is the east and Juliet is the sun.
See, how she leans her cheekupon that hand!O,
that I were a glove upon that hand,
That I might touch that cheek!
This bud of love,
by summer's ripening breath,
May prove a beautious flower when next we meet.
Love's heralds should be thoughts
O, she doth teach the torches to burn bright!
If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims,
ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.
What's in a name?
That which we call a roseby any other name would smell as sweet.
O, speak again, bright angel!

wala lang:)

2007-01-31T22:26:00.000+08:00

im blogging again:) whew, i missed this. :) i was gone for quite a long time rin. anyway, what's new? hmmm. well, PROM on saturday. how's that? haha, exciting. i don't know what to expect for the coming prom night. i just really really hope, everything will work fine and everyone will enjoy.:) (sana rin masarap yung food:))

anyhooo.

school has kept me really really busy lately. training after class, practices, homeworks and school works. plus, my struggle, and it has not left my mind even for a second, my school for college. i don't know, i'm just really scared of the things that might happen if i don't get to do this, or get that. i have no idea, i just really really want to do what i want to do in my life because the thought that if i don't, that'd really break me.

okay. REALLY.

enough of that. league na! next week, whoa, goodluck to our team! we really want to win the game this time not only for ourselves but for our coach who didn't give up on us.:)

i miss daddy. he'll be gone for 2weeks.:) the house is so quiet tuloy. hehe:)

i love the weather. freezing cold:) whooo.

wala lang:))

:)

im back:)

2007-01-31T22:24:00.000+08:00

blogging again:) haha